Grown ups say the darndest things.

[15:13] matthew: you know who i would punch in the face if i saw him on the street
[15:13] matthew: joe lieberman
[15:14] me: yep ditto
[15:14] matthew: those democrats need to yoke him up. take him out back and beat him w/ canes and bags of oranges
[15:16] me: LMAO
[15:17] me: that was very specific
[15:17] matthew: well i was just thinking of things i would use
[15:18] matthew: the canes are a reference to that time in the 19th century when one preston brooks beat charles sumner of massachusetts with the head of his cane on the senate floor
[15:18] matthew: they should def bring that back
[15:19] matthew: and i think a bag of oranges would be appropriate. i heard that it doesnt leave bruises but it gets the message across
[15:20] me: You’re such my hero.
[15:20] me: <3

[15:10] me: tell me about seminary, yo
[15:11] abraham: u wanna see me?
[15:11] abraham: in my cassock
[15:12] abraham: ?

[23:09] matthew: its just ridiculous
[23:09] matthew: because you cant do that to people
[23:09] matthew: get in too deep
[23:09] matthew: and then pull out
[23:10] me: that sounded dirty.
[23:10] me: and yes, it’s very wrong.
[23:10] matthew: i feel like im about to get jizzed all over
[23:10] me: hehe
[23:10] matthew: and not in a good way
[23:10] me: hahahahahaha
[23:10] me: I love you.
[23:10] matthew: AHAHAHAHAHA

[23:00] me: today I got my nails did.
[23:00] bani: well thats lovely
[23:00] bani: oo what color
[23:00] me: OMG
[23:00] me: (light pink on my fingers and BRIGHT hot pink on my toenails)
[23:00] me: the OMG
[23:00] me: was because that “best I ever had” song
[23:01] me: hold on
[23:01] bani: ooo pink
[23:01] bani: im holding
[23:01] me: that song
[23:01] me: is by the dude from Degrassi who is a rapper now
[23:01] me: the one in the wheelchair
[23:01] me: hahahahahahaha
[23:01] me: I never made the connection.
[23:01] bani: you are fucking kidding me
[23:01] me: NO
[23:01] me: NO I AM NOT
[23:02] me: OMG.
[23:02] bani: HAHA
[23:02] bani: I JUST GOODLED IT
[23:02] bani: NO WAY
[23:02] me: HAHAHAHAHAHA
[23:02] me: I KNOW
[23:02] bani: I LOVE THAT DAMN SONG
[23:02] me: ME TOO
[23:02] bani: HEHE
[23:02] me: WTF.
[23:02] bani: well he has quite the pretty voice

[22:38] me: brb making frosting
[22:42] me: nevermind. shooting pains in my arm are preventing the making of icing.
[22:43] me: clearly I’m dying.
[22:43] rob: Dats not good
[22:44] me: not really, no. lol
[22:44] rob: Your still with us?
[22:44] me: I’m fading. there’s a bright light. It seems warm and inviting. I think I’ll walk towards it.
[22:49] me: …..
[22:49] me: my arm feels better!
[22:50] rob: Hooray! Me sacrificing a new born worked!
[22:50] me: you wonderful man!

(My away message: Freud always takes me on such a whirlwind of emotions. “YES, Freud, YES! Tell the people about how common “inverse” sexuality (bi/homosexuality) really is! Yes….. No… No… NO don’t tell them it’s a choice you fool! Sigh.”  <3 PS: new favorite term: mutual onanism.)

[15:07] jacob: you like that freud believes that inverse sexuality is quite usual?
[15:07] jacob: but not that he believes that it is a choice?
[15:07] me: well, he doesn’t EXACTLY say it’s a choice
[15:07] me: I just think Freud’s tone is so entertaining
[15:07] me: “Of COURSE there are gay people. There’s lots of them.”
[15:08] jacob: (say it with an austrian accent)
[15:08] me: “But don’t be STUPID, there’s no way they were born like that, someone clearly molested them as children and they repressed those memories and now as a result they run to the same sex instead of the opposite.”
[15:09] me: and then he goes on to define “bisexual” as “hermaphrodite”
[15:09] me: love it. he keeps me so involved.
[15:09] jacob: haha
[15:10] jacob: You need to realize that Freud had a homogenous population sample, i.e. middle-aged austrian jewish women. who happen to be the single most neurotic demographic group on the planet (I have many in my family)
[15:10] me: HA. that’s a good point
[15:11] me: HAHA now he’s talking about “psychic hermaphrodism”
[15:11] me: the man is so brilliant and wacked out.
[15:12] me: who the hell comes up with this stuff? I’m not bisexual, I’m psychically hermaphroditic.
[15:12] me: He’s amazing.

[22:52] helen: [my friend] sent me the site with all the raw pictures from my photoshoot the other week
[22:52] helen: im tempted
[22:52] helen: to drink
[22:52] helen: but it doesnt stop there
[22:53] helen: i want to drink enough where i will grow the balls to drive to my ex’s apartment
[22:53] helen: throw some rocks at the window
[22:53] helen: get her to come out
[22:53] helen: and there i will be
[22:53] helen: on the street
[22:53] helen: screaming quotes from the movie “gia”
[22:54] helen: going “YOU JUST WANTED TO FUCK ME BECAUSE IM A MODEL. YOU JUST WANTED TO SAY ‘IM FUCKING A MODEL! IM FUCKING A MODEL!’ “
[22:54] helen: lucky for her, i dont have her address
[22:54] helen: so i will simply drink and stop there

[21:26] matthew: i was watching America’s Next Top Model, the one w/ the tranny
[21:26] matthew: and im not 10000% comfortable w/ transgendered indivduals myself, but some of the things ppl said
[21:27] matthew: calling her a he she
[21:27] matthew: and saying “im from the south…. we’re not closed minded we’re just traditional”
[21:27] matthew: and of course she was one of those blonde whores
[21:27] me: hahaha of course
[21:28] matthew: and im thinking isnt it TRADITIONAL to wait for marriage to have sex
[21:28] matthew: isnt it traditional for you to be in the kitchen cooking me some damn pie
[21:28] matthew: woman
[21:28] matthew: shit

Prof Tucker: And who is the only person who can catch a unicorn?

Me: (louder than I had planned, since I assumed other people in class would say the same answer) A virgin!

Prof Tucker: Ah, and have you ever SEEN a unicorn? (knowing look) Eh?

[20:35] helen: yesterday i was reading a medical journal at work
[20:35] helen: and there was a random article in it about f. scott fitzgerald alcoholism
[20:35] helen: and there was a mention of dorothy parker
[20:35] helen: and i started researching dorothy parker
[20:35] helen: and im in love with her
[20:35] helen: because i am her
[21:08] me: well that sounds healthy.
[21:09] helen: she was a raging alcoholic known for her quick wit
[21:09] me: ever see the movie?
[21:09] me: with halle berry?
[21:09] me: on hbo?
[21:09] me: it was a class act, let me tell ya.
[21:10] helen: i think you are thinking of dorothy dandrige
[21:10] helen: dorothy parker was a writer
[21:10] helen: a white one
[21:11] me: lmao. omg. my brain is so fucked up.
[21:11] me: I was just playing this game with my dad that we do sometimes
[21:11] me: where he quotes a famous line or a title borrowed from another work and I name the author and the work
[21:11] me: and I’m usually really good at it, and we both feel all smug over how smart we are
[21:11] me: and tonight I was a mess.
[21:11] me: I couldn’t remember who wrote “kubla khan” even though I just studied it TWO WEEKS AGO.
[21:12] me: and now I’m confusing dorothy parker with dorothy dandrige.
[21:12] me: *dandridge.
[21:13] me: I should probably stop drinking before embarking on 5 hours of homework.
[21:15] helen: hahahaha
[21:15] helen: hahahahaha
[21:15] helen: hahahahahaha
[21:15] me: thank god you find me amusing. <3
[21:15] helen: i find you one of the most adorable women in my world
[21:15] helen: and not for nothing, there are a few adorable women in my world